literature

Soberity

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The-Ranter's avatar
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Literature Text

My thoughts have not been my own
I keep seeing sketches of gray on white paper
The table in front of me
The curve of the top and the three legs
How I would give the illusion of he polished steel
This would seem normal except for the fact
That I do not sketch or draw
I haven't since I was a child
But these flashes come through my haze
Like a hallucination and I am slightly scared
What is my mind doing
It is alien
Almost other like
It is missing that signature that makes me realize that is me
What happens when I get little to no sleep.
© 2011 - 2024 The-Ranter
Comments2
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Girlfoxgirl's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Impact

I like the subject of this quip. It's a little unnerving. The title makes you think, too. A kind of unsettling insanity theme that made me give it a decent 'vision' rating. This has potential! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>

A few unclear parts and little mistakes such as the 'he' instead of 'the' on line 5. The last line could have 'that it is me,' to be clearer.

I would also suggest a bit more flow to it. I'm not sure of the rhythm. It's kind of hard to say out loud with any kind of flow. Making the lines have a beat would be a great improvement. Maybe you can change some words so they have alliteration or repeating sounds. Try saying it out loud and tapping your chair or something like that. If the words can flow easily out your mouth, then the readers will sway to it, too. I think some words can be removed to make it less cluttered, too. Perhaps more words with strong connotations to make the reader feel a certain way. Unnerve them. Creep 'em out.

A bit of cool punctuation, such as making certain lines into questions, would be nice. Make the reader question themselves like the narrator is questioning himself/herself. Some more interesting spacing to catch the eye.... For example, "Like a hallucination and I am slightly scared" might do better separated. Etc, etc.

Well thanks for putting this up for a critique! (This was my first one..!) I'm glad to have read it.